A Therapist's Guide to Healing from Affairs: Helping Couples Get Past Infidelity

March 19, 2024 Lisa Chen

We live in a society that strongly endorses fidelity, where affairs are seen as a violation of trust. And yet research shows up to 25% of married couples experience infidelity at some point. As a therapist and marriage counselor specializing in affairs in Los Angeles, CA, I've witnessed infidelity in many different forms (e.g. emotional affairs, porous boundaries, physical affairs).

I'll never forget the anguish on Jane's face as she revealed her husband's affair to me. The betrayal ran so deeply that she questioned her entire reality and self-worth. 'How could I have been so blind?' she asked between sobs.

As we began to unfold the relationship dynamics, it became clear that Jane's husband Steve had an avoidant attachment style - he chronically struggled with emotional intimacy despite his overwhelming love for her. The affair was his misguided attempt to create distance and autonomy within the relationship he actually valued.

Over months of couples affair therapy and recovery, Steve had to confront his core fears around engulfment and losing his independence. While incredibly painful, this work helped Jane understand that the betrayal stemmed from Steve's own limiting beliefs about intimacy, not her self-worth or their bonding capabilities. She learned to separate his behavior from her identity.

Rebuilding trust and intimacy was an uphill battle. But by exploring new ways to cultivate emotional transparency and independence within their bond, they were able to co-create the closeness Steve's avoidant self had unconsciously pushed against. Their relationship was forever changed by the turbulence, but also fortified into something more resilient and attuned

The tangled web of infidelity is complex. While pop culture paints affairs as mere sexual flings, the research from renowned therapists and counselors reveals our ingrained patterns of attachment play a central role in why affairs happen...

How Attachment Styles Impact Affairs/Infidelity

Attachment theory provides valuable insights into the ways our early experiences shape our adult relationships, particularly when it comes to vulnerability to affairs and infidelity. Our attachment styles, formed through interactions with caregivers in childhood, influence how we navigate intimacy, trust, and emotional connection in romantic partnerships.

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may struggle with emotional intimacy and commitment. For them, affairs can serve as a way to create distance and autonomy within the relationship, fulfilling their need for independence. These individuals may find it challenging to fully engage in the emotional vulnerability required for a deeply connected partnership.

On the other hand, individuals with an anxious attachment style often have a deep fear of abandonment and seek reassurance and closeness. When these needs are unmet within the primary relationship, they may be more susceptible to seeking emotional connection outside the partnership through affairs.

Understanding these attachment dynamics can offer a roadmap for exploring the root causes of infidelity. It allows couples to address not only the behaviors associated with the affair but also the underlying emotional needs and insecurities driving them. Through this lens, couples can begin to untangle the complex web of emotions surrounding the affair and work towards creating a more secure and fulfilling bond.

By integrating attachment theory into my practice, I help couples explore their attachment styles and how these styles impact their relationship dynamics. This self-awareness lays the foundation for healing, as couples develop a deeper understanding of their own needs and behaviors, as well as those of their partners. Armed with this knowledge, couples can begin the journey of healing from infidelity with greater compassion, empathy, and resilience.

"Adult attachment styles inform our core beliefs about romantic love - and the impulses that can lead to betrayal in couples." - Lisa Chen, Couples Therapist & Counselor

Well-studied psychological factors like avoidant or anxious attachment styles have been found to predict the likelihood of affairs in couples:

Avoidant Attachment: Those who struggle with intimacy and commitment may use affairs to increase autonomy and create emotional distance in their primary relationship.

Anxious Attachment: These individuals possess a deep fear of abandonment and may turn outside the relationship to find the emotional reassurance and intimate connection they crave but never feel they're receiving.

The toll of unmet needs: Intimacy, sex, emotional fulfillment - unmet needs in a couple's marriage often breed vulnerability to seeking gratification elsewhere through infidelity.

As a marriage counselor and therapist specializing in affair recovery and infidelity in Los Angeles, I often see the devastation affairs can cause both partners. The self-loathing, shattered confidence, and seismic mistrust make it difficult for couples to be vulnerable again. The betrayed spouse is left questioning their self-worth while the spouse who had the affair grapples with profound shame.

"Affairs implicate our core identity. The betrayed partner is left wondering 'Was I not enough?' while the unfaithful partner carries immense self-judgment around their choices and betrayal." - Lisa Chen, Hermosa Beach Couples Therapist & Counselor

The path forward for couples requires courage, self-compassion and a commitment to understand the root issues that created vulnerability to the affair in the first place.

In my practice, I often incorporate somatic mindfulness practices to assist clients in navigating the intense emotions that arise from infidelity. When individuals experience the profound betrayal of an affair, it's common for them to disconnect from their emotions as a means of self-protection. This disassociation can hinder the healing process.

There are several techniques to help with infidelity recovery for couples. One effective technique is breath work, which helps clients ground themselves in the present moment. I guide clients through exercises where they focus on their breath, noticing its rhythm and sensations. This simple yet powerful practice encourages them to stay connected to their bodies and emotions rather than avoiding or suppressing them. Another technique is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is an evidence-based therapy known for its effectiveness in treating trauma and emotional distress. While commonly used for PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), it can also be a valuable tool in the recovery process for individuals and couples impacted by infidelity.

By gradually increasing their "window of tolerance" for difficult emotions, clients learn to sit with discomfort without becoming overwhelmed. This expanded capacity to tolerate distressing feelings allows for deeper exploration and processing of the pain associated with the affair. Over time, clients develop resilience and a sense of empowerment as they navigate their emotional landscape with greater ease.

If the goal is reconciliation after an affair, creating a safe space of empathic understanding must come before anything else. Both partners must make sense of their core attachment needs, fears, and vulnerabilities surrounding intimacy and connection, without judgment or blame. Affairs do not occur in a vacuum.

Healing After Infidelity: A Compassionate Approach

Healing and rebuilding trust after infidelity is a journey that involves both individual and couples-focused steps. Here's how we navigate this path together:

Positive Separations:

Creating healthy boundaries and honoring each person's individuality is key. This process helps partners rediscover their independence and sense of self beyond the affair's context.

Pursuing Personal Fulfillment:

Exploring hobbies, interests, and social circles that bring joy is encouraged. Investing in personal well-being helps regain a sense of agency and purpose outside of the affair.

Renewing Intimacy:

We work on intentional practices to rebuild emotional and sexual connection. This includes open communication, vulnerability exercises, and tailored intimacy-building activities.

Understanding Attachment Needs:

Together, we explore attachment needs, fears, and vulnerabilities. This deeper understanding cultivates empathy and compassion, paving the way for healing and a stronger relationship

If you or a loved one have been impacted by an affair, we understand the immense pain and complexity surrounding betrayal. Take the first step in your healing and contact Lisa Chen & Associates at lisachentherapy@gmail.com or 213-537-9672 for a compassionate, judgment-free consultation on moving forward.

Resources: