When Love Feels Uncertain: How to Know if It’s Time to Stay or Let Go
The Question That Weighs Heavy on the Heart
Recently, one of my clients came into therapy with one of the most painful and confusing questions there is:
How do I know when I’m done?
Maybe you’ve tried everything—conversations, counseling, personal growth—yet you still feel disconnected, unseen, or exhausted. Maybe part of you is desperately holding on, while another part is already halfway out the door. Maybe you find yourself constantly wondering if this is just a rough patch or a dead end.
Deciding whether to stay or leave is rarely a clear-cut answer.
But if you’re asking this question, something inside you is already seeking truth. And therapy is often where we untangle that truth—gently, without judgment, and at your own pace.
““People assume they need a dramatic breaking point to leave, but often, it’s quieter than that. It’s the slow erosion of connection, the feeling of loneliness even when you’re together, the exhaustion from trying to make it work.””
Signs That You May Be Reaching the End
Relationships go through seasons—hard moments don’t always mean it’s time to leave. But certain patterns signal a deeper misalignment that might not be repairable:
You feel chronically unseen, unheard, or unvalued.
You’ve expressed your needs repeatedly, and nothing changes.
Conversations go in circles, leading to more frustration than resolution.
The relationship drains more than it restores:
You feel depleted after interactions rather than supported.
Being together feels like walking on eggshells or carrying a weight.
You’ve lost emotional or physical intimacy, and it’s not repairable:
There’s no longer a desire to reconnect emotionally or physically.
You feel more like roommates than partners, despite efforts to rekindle closeness.
You feel trapped in patterns of emotional neglect, disrespect, or resentment:
Resentment has built up so much that kindness feels out of reach.
Even small interactions are colored by irritation or indifference.
You’ve done the work, but nothing fundamentally changes:
You’ve tried therapy, communication tools, or personal growth, but the relationship still feels stagnant.
You’re the only one putting in effort, and the imbalance is unsustainable.
““Trying to heal a relationship on your own is like rowing a two-person boat with one oar. You might move forward a little, but you’ll stay stuck in circles.””
What’s Holding You Back from Knowing?
If part of you already senses it’s time to leave, why is it so hard to let go?
IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy teaches us that different parts of us hold different truths. When we feel stuck, it’s often because one part of us is scared while another part is certain.
The Loyal Part: “We’ve invested so much. Maybe it will get better.”
The Fearful Part: “What if I regret leaving? What if I never find love again?”
The Caretaking Part: “I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to be the bad guy.”
The Freeing Part: “But I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want more.”
Each of these parts deserves attention. They all carry wisdom. The goal isn’t to silence them—it’s to listen to them until clarity emerges.
How to Find Clarity When You Feel Torn
1. Notice How You Feel in Their Presence
Do you feel more like yourself or like you’re shrinking?
Do you feel calmer or more anxious after spending time together?
If you imagine a life without this relationship, do you feel relief or loss?
Try This: For a few days, simply observe your body’s responses around your partner.
"The nervous system speaks first—long before the mind catches up. Pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you."
— Lisa Chen, a therapist for highly sensitive people and couples
2. Try the ‘90-Day Experiment’
Instead of forcing a decision, commit to 90 days of fully showing up for the relationship. No passive checking out. No halfway effort.
At the end of 90 days, ask yourself:
Do I feel more connected, or more exhausted?
Is my effort being matched, or am I still carrying the emotional labor?
Do I feel hopeful, or am I convincing myself to stay?
If nothing has changed, that’s your answer.
3. Talk to Your Future Self
Imagine your 5-years-older self sitting across from you.
What does this version of you say about staying?
Do they feel proud that you worked through challenges, or relieved that you walked away?
Are they thriving, or still stuck in the same cycle?
““We’re often more loyal to the past than we are to the future. But clarity comes when we stop asking only what we’re leaving behind—and start asking what we want to move toward.””
You Don’t Have to Know Today—But You Do Have to Listen
The answer to "Am I done?" doesn’t arrive all at once. It unfolds gently, through self-inquiry, honest conversations, and giving yourself permission to want what you want.
"Leaving doesn’t mean you failed. Staying doesn’t mean you’re weak. The real work is listening to yourself with compassion—and honoring what you hear."
— Lisa Chen, couples therapist in Hermosa Beach
If you’re struggling with this decision, therapy can offer a space to explore it—without pressure, without judgment, at your own pace.
Book a free consultation with a relationship therapist in Hermosa Beach to start finding clarity today.
