Perfectionism and Overachievement: Finding the Sweet Spot
Our society admires achievement and perfectionism, especially among business professionals, athletes, and overachievers. We love our heroes doing the impossible. But what is perfectionism, really? And how might it lead to anxiety, stress, depression and other mental health struggles?
Perfectionism Definition: The Double-Edged Sword
"Perfectionism is the practice of demanding of oneself or others a higher quality of performance than is required by the situation." - M.H. Hollender
Perfectionism can be a double-edged sword – a driving force that propels us towards greatness, but also a destructive obsession that weighs heavily on our mental well-being.
As a psychotherapist, I've witnessed the toll that unhealthy perfectionism can take on individuals, especially overachievers. For example, Sarah's unhealthy perfectionism led to burnout, anxiety, and depression. She began having trouble sleeping, fixating on all the things she needed to get "perfect" for work the next day. Her relationships suffered as she became distant and consumed by her unrelenting standards. Sarah hit a breaking point when she had a panic attack at work after giving what others viewed as an excellent presentation.
Understanding the Two Faces of Perfectionism
Researchers have identified two distinct forms of perfectionism: healthy (or positive) and unhealthy (or negative). While they may appear similar on the surface, the underlying motivations and consequences are vastly different.
Healthy Perfectionism: The Pursuit of Excellence
"Healthy perfectionists are driven by a genuine desire for growth and self-improvement. They set high standards for themselves, but these standards are realistic and attainable." - Lisa Chen, MA and LMFT
Healthy perfectionists derive satisfaction from the process of striving for excellence, rather than solely from the end result. They are able to celebrate their achievements without being consumed by self-criticism or the need for external validation.
While often viewed as a negative trait, I've worked with many clients who exemplified the healthier side of perfectionism. They were highly dedicated parents who gave their best efforts while understanding they couldn't be "perfect" at all times. Or business leaders who set high standards for their teams without becoming overly critical when small things didn't go as planned.
What set them apart was their ability to strive for excellence from a place of care rather than fear. Their drive originated from a genuine desire for growth and quality work - not from an unhealthy need to prove themselves or avoid failure. Setbacks were treated as learning opportunities, not devastations.
This balanced mindset is what I aim for in my own life and work. I set intentional goals while accepting there may be obstacles and imperfections along the way. And if I fall short? I treat it as information to improve, not judgment on my self-worth. It's an ongoing practice, but one that breeds far more fulfillment than the relentless lure of unhealthy perfectionism.
Unhealthy Perfectionism: The Trap of "Never Good Enough"
"Unhealthy perfectionists are driven by a deep-seated fear of failure, criticism, and a sense of never being good enough. Their standards are often unrealistic and unattainable, leading to a constant state of dissatisfaction and self-doubt." - Lisa Chen, MA and LMFT
Unhealthy perfectionists tend to engage in black-and-white thinking—anything less than perfect is deemed a failure. They may struggle with shame, low self-esteem, and a persistent feeling of inadequacy, no matter how many achievements they accumulate.
One client was constantly praised for his academic achievements and talents. However, anything less than an 'A' was seen as a failure in his family. This instilled in my client a harsh inner critic that berated him relentlessly for even the smallest mistakes. Over time, this negativity bred anxiety, depression, and an unhealthy obsession with being perfect at all costs. It led to great personal and professional cost over time.
The Consequences of Unhealthy Perfectionism
The relentless pursuit of perfection can take a significant toll on an individual's mental and physical well-being. Some common consequences include:
Anxiety and depression
Burnout
Procrastination and avoidance
Strained relationships
Eating disorders and self-harm
As a recovering unhealthy perfectionist, I can vividly recall a time when my perfectionist tendencies led me to burnout. I was working around the clock on an important project, sacrificing sleep, relationships and my overall well-being. When I finally completed it, instead of feeling accomplished, I was utterly depleted - mentally, physically and emotionally. That's when I realized my pursuit of 'perfection' was actually self-destructive.
Cultivating Healthy Perfectionism for Overachievers
While the pursuit of perfection can be a powerful motivator, it's crucial to strike a balance and embrace a more realistic and compassionate approach. Here are some tips to cultivate healthy perfectionism:
Reframe your definition of success
Practice self-compassion
Embrace vulnerability
Seek support
Prioritize self-care
The journey to overcoming unhealthy perfectionism is an incredibly personal and oftentimes difficult one. I've had clients who obsessively poured over their work for hours, certain it wasn't "good enough" yet. Others avoided delegating tasks for fear of things not meeting their self-imposed, perfect standards.
A common thread was the profound shame and self-criticism that arose whenever they fell short of perfection. This painful inner experience only reinforced the relentless cycle. Through our work together, we slowly dismantled the limiting beliefs and unrealistic expectations that were fueling the unhealthy behaviors.
For me, mindfulness and developing self-awareness around my perfectionistic thoughts/patterns were game-changers. I had to catch myself anytime I'd start catastrophizing over a minor mistake or perceived flaw. Quieting that harsh inner critic and meeting myself with compassion was challenging but transformative. Internal Family Systems is one such therapeutic approach that helps address the harsh inner critic and shame.
Overcoming Unhealthy Perfectionism: A Journey Towards Self-Acceptance
For those struggling with unhealthy perfectionism, the journey towards self-acceptance and a more balanced mindset can be challenging but transformative. Here are some steps that can help:
Identify the root causes
Challenge cognitive distortions
Practice mindfulness and self-awareness
Seek professional support
One of the most powerful shifts I've seen in cultivating healthy perfectionism is redefining what "success" and "perfection" truly mean.
For many overachievers, it's about consistently delivering flawless results and meeting lofty, sometimes unrealistic expectations. However, I encourage reframing perfection as a journey of growth, learning, and self-improvement along the way. - Lisa Chen, MA and LMFT
A key tip: Celebrate the small wins and progress rather than hyperfocusing on the final outcome. Did you apply a new skill or push past an old limiting belief? That's perfection in action. This mindset alleviates the immense pressure and helps you derive satisfaction from the process itself.
I also strongly advise overachievers to schedule regular self-care activities and stick to them. Something as simple as blocking off time for a hobby, exercise, or just being present can prevent burnout and keep perfectionistic tendencies from running rampant in your life.
In a culture that often equates success with perfection, it's essential to strike a balance and embrace a more compassionate and realistic approach. By cultivating healthy perfectionism and addressing the root causes of unhealthy perfectionism, we can break free from the trap of "never good enough" and pursue our goals with a greater sense of fulfillment and self-acceptance.
Resources:
https://adaa.org/tips - Anxiety and Depression Association of America: Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-perfectionism-3024455 VeryWell Mind: What is Perfectionism
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Perfectionism - Centre for Clinical Interventions: Perfectionism Module
https://www.apa.org/topics/perfectionism - American Psychological Association: Perfectionism Resources
If you're an overachiever or business professional grappling with the weight of perfectionism, you don't have to navigate this journey alone. At Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy, we understand the unique challenges faced by high achievers and the toll that unhealthy perfectionism can take on your mental well-being.
Our team of compassionate therapists is here to support you in embracing a healthier, more balanced approach to success. Whether you're looking for a therapist near me in Hermosa Beach or seeking virtual therapy from the comfort of your home, we offer in-person and telehealth counseling services tailored to your needs.
Reach out to our Hermosa Beach therapists today and embark on a transformative journey toward a more authentic, purposeful, and gratifying life.
