The Silent Relationship Killers: Gaslighting and Stonewalling—Here’s How to Fight Back
The Hidden Relationship Killers No One Talks About
Have you ever walked away from an argument feeling completely confused—like maybe you’re the problem?
Or maybe you’ve poured your heart out to your partner, only to be met with silence, eye-rolls, or a cold shoulder?
If so, you’re not alone. Gaslighting and stonewalling are two of the most damaging relationship behaviors, yet many people don’t even realize they’re happening.
Gaslighting makes you doubt reality.
Stonewalling makes you feel invisible.
And both can wreck even the strongest relationships.
As a licensed psychotherapist specializing in relationships, I’ve worked with countless individuals and couples navigating these toxic patterns. This is how to recognize the signs, protect yourself, and rebuild trust.
What is Gaslighting? (And How to Tell If It’s Happening to You)
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone makes you question your reality, feelings, or memories. "Gaslighting isn’t just manipulation—it’s an attack on your self-trust," says Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect. "It creates a cycle where the victim begins to doubt their memories, second-guess their emotions, and feel like they’re losing their grip on reality."
Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, a psychotherapist and author, notes that gaslighting is a tactic used to gain power over someone by making them question their reality. She emphasizes that recognizing these behaviors is crucial for maintaining one's mental health.
A study published in the Journal of Personality and Relationship Education found that victims of gaslighting experience significant disruptions in neural pathways related to self-perception and social cognition, leading to long-term emotional distress and heightened anxiety responses.
A qualitative analysis of gaslighting in romantic relationships highlights that victims often experience depression, loss of self-esteem, and feelings of being 'crazy.' These psychological consequences underscore the profound impact gaslighting can have on an individual's mental health. Research indicates that gaslighting can lead to a diminished sense of self, increased guardedness, and mistrust of others. These effects can disrupt neural pathways associated with self-perception and social cognition, leading to long-term emotional distress.
💡 Common Gaslighting Phrases:
❌ “You’re overreacting.”
❌ “That never happened.”
❌ “You’re just too sensitive.”
❌ “You’re crazy.”
🔴 Example 1: The Party Incident
You: “You embarrassed me in front of our friends.”
Partner: “You’re imagining things. No one else saw it that way.”
🔴 Example 2: Gaslighting About the Past
You: “Last week, you said you’d help me with this.”
Partner: “I never said that. You always make things up.”
“Gaslighting isn’t just manipulation—it’s an attack on your self-trust. Over time, it leads to anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion.”
What is Stonewalling? (The Emotional Shutdown That Kills Intimacy)
Stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down during conflict, refusing to talk, engage, or respond.
"Stonewalling is one of the biggest predictors of divorce," warns Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute. "When one partner shuts down completely, the other feels abandoned and emotionally stranded, which erodes the relationship over time." A 20-year longitudinal study from The Gottman Institute found that partners who stonewall are at a higher risk for chronic stress-related conditions like back pain, muscle tension, and cardiovascular issues—proving that emotional shutdown has serious health consequences.
Research has shown that stonewalling is linked to physical health issues. For instance, a study based on 20 years of data revealed that individuals who stonewall their partners are more likely to experience stiff muscles and back or neck pain. This suggests that the stress associated with stonewalling can manifest physically, affecting overall well-being. Stonewalling can also lead to increased physiological stress responses, such as elevated heart rates and muscle tension. This heightened state of arousal can impair one's ability to engage in constructive communication, further exacerbating relationship conflicts. .
Common Stonewalling Behaviors:
❌ Ignoring you during an argument
❌ Walking away mid-conversation
❌ Giving you the silent treatment for hours (or days)
❌ Emotionally disconnecting instead of communicating
Example 1: The Silent Treatment
You: “Can we talk about what happened?”
Partner: [Ignores you completely for two days]
Example 2: Shutting Down
You: “Why don’t you ever open up to me?”
Partner: [Looks at their phone and says nothing]
“Stonewalling is one of the biggest predictors of divorce. When one partner emotionally shuts down, it leaves the other feeling abandoned and rejected.”
The Devastating Impact on Your Relationship
🚨 Gaslighting Leads To:
Chronic self-doubt and confusion
Feeling "crazy" or like you’re always the problem
Anxiety and depression from emotional invalidation
🚨 Stonewalling Leads To:
A deep sense of emotional abandonment
Resentment and loneliness in the relationship
Complete communication breakdown
A study from The Gottman Institute found that stonewalling is one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationship failure—it’s a major predictor of divorce.
How to Protect Yourself (And Your Relationship)
A study in The Journal of Emotional Abuse & Trauma found that the brain’s prefrontal cortex—the decision-making and rational thought center—becomes underactive in people exposed to chronic gaslighting, making it harder to trust themselves.
"Survivors of gaslighting and stonewalling often need to rebuild their sense of self-trust before they can repair their relationships," says Dr. Amelia Kelley, a psychologist specializing in trauma recovery. "Seeking external validation through therapy, friends, or support groups can help ground them in reality again."
1. Call It Out (But Stay Grounded)
If you’re being gaslit:
✅ "I trust my memory, and I won’t argue about what I know happened."
✅ "My feelings are valid, even if you don’t agree."
If you’re being stonewalled:
✅ "I see that you’re shutting down. Can we take a break and talk later?"
✅ "I need open communication in this relationship."
2. Set Boundaries
✅ "I won’t engage if my feelings are constantly dismissed."
✅ "I deserve conversations where we both feel heard."
3. Seek Outside Support
Gaslighting and stonewalling can be deeply damaging, but with the right support, you can heal, rebuild confidence, and create healthier relationship dynamics. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Therapy can help you understand the patterns, regain confidence, and build a healthier relationship dynamic.
🔹 If you’re struggling in a relationship and need guidance, we can help. We offer therapy for individuals and couples navigating complex relationship challenges.
📞 Schedule a Consultation Today
📢 Share this article if you know someone who needs to hear this. No one deserves to feel unheard in their own relationship.
