Empty Nest Transition: Facing Midlife Changes as a Couple
As a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Hermosa Beach, I've helped countless couples navigate the ups and downs that often come with the empty nest transition. While an exciting milestone for children, saying goodbye as they leave the home can stir up a mix of emotions for parents. However, with understanding and effort, research shows many couples emerge from this phase supporting each other even more strongly.
What is the Empty Nest Phase?
Commonly occurring when children reach their early 20s, the empty nest refers to the period after kids have left home to start living independently. With around 25 million Americans currently in this stage of life, it represents a significant change that requires adaptation. Parenting roles fade, and spouses must rediscover their connection sans children at home. Feelings of sadness, loss of purpose or anxiety about "re-dating" each other are perfectly normal responses. This transition can be a significant adjustment for parents who have devoted a considerable portion of their lives to raising their children.
"The empty nest can feel like a loss," says Lisa Chen, a couples therapist in Hermosa Beach. "Parents may experience a sense of grief, identity crisis, or even depression as they navigate this new chapter."
Letting go as children spread their wings is understandably bittersweet. In my work, many clients express sadness over missing daily interactions or worry their identity is now undefined. Spouses may mourn differently too if emotions aren't openly discussed. Resentments from past disagreements on parenting styles could re-emerge as a trigger for new arguments as well. As children leave home to pursue their own lives, parents are often left grappling with a mix of emotions – pride, sadness, and uncertainty about their new roles. While common, ignoring uncomfortable feelings risks growing apart. While some couples may find themselves struggling to adjust, others may embrace this phase as an opportunity for growth and reconnection.
Just how common is the empty nest experience? According to a study by the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 1 in 5 American households were "empty nests" in 2021. As life expectancy continues to rise and the average age of first-time parents increases, the empty nest stage is becoming more prevalent and prolonged.
Some common experiences include:
Grief and Sadness: The departure of children can leave parents feeling a profound sense of loss, loneliness, and emptiness in their once bustling home.
Identity Crisis: For many parents, their identity has been closely tied to their role as caregivers. Without this central purpose, they may struggle to redefine their sense of self.
Marital Strain: The empty nest can either strengthen or strain a marriage. Some couples may struggle to reconnect after years of prioritizing their children, while others may find renewed intimacy and shared interests.
Anxiety and Worry: It's natural for parents to worry about their children's well-being, even as they become independent. This can lead to feelings of anxiety or overprotectiveness.
"Empty nesters often ask themselves, 'Who am I now?'" Chen explains. "Discovering new sources of meaning and purpose can be a transformative journey."
The Impact of Attachment Styles
Research has shown that a person's attachment style, developed in early childhood, can influence their experience of the empty nest stage. A study by Thibodeau and Bouchard (2020) found that:
Parents with anxious or avoidant attachment styles reported lower marital and parental satisfaction during the empty nest stage.
Husbands with avoidant attachment styles were less satisfied with their parental role and had a negative impact on their wives' parental satisfaction.
Wives' anxious attachment was negatively associated with their own and their husbands' marital satisfaction.
Attachment styles can shape how we cope with transitions and connect with our partners. Those with secure attachment may find it easier to adapt, while insecure styles can lead to difficulties in communication and emotional intimacy.
The Risk of Divorce
While change inevitably brings adjustments, many couples move through transitions nurturing their bond. Research from the National Center for Family and Marriage Research found divorce rates among empty nesters have remained reassuringly stable in recent decades.
Yet this study also illuminated how unearthed emotions can impact pre-existing relationship patterns left unattended. When communication, intimacy or mutual interests felt challenged previously, some mention finding these amplified now.
Please know this phase alone does not diminish commitment built together. However, over time unexpressed matters risk magnifying without care and attunement. My aim involves fostering a safe space where you feel heard exploring any strains, without fear your cares will be viewed as failings.
Through respect and understanding another's humanity, even deeply rooted worries lighten. Does visiting freely regarding your relationship and what strengthens it going ahead appeal, in search of perspective strengthened by walking side by side? You do not face changes alone so long as empathy and willingness to understand guide your journey.
Coping Strategies and Activities for Empty Nesters
Navigating the empty nest stage can be smoother with the right mindset and strategies. Here are some tips to help couples thrive during this transition:
Rekindle Your Relationship: With more time and energy available, empty nesters can focus on rediscovering their partnership. Plan date nights, try new hobbies together, or simply enjoy quality time without the distractions of parenting. Pickleball is a popular hobby that my couples have loved.
Pursue Personal Growth: This stage can be an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. Consider taking a class, volunteering, or exploring new interests that were put on hold during the child-rearing years.
Maintain Connections: While it's healthy to embrace newfound freedom, it's also important to maintain connections with family and friends. Nurture relationships with your adult children and establish new social circles.
Seek Counseling: Couples therapy can be invaluable during the empty nest stage. A therapist can help you navigate the emotional challenges, improve communication, and redefine your roles as a couple.
"Couples therapy can provide a safe space for empty nesters to process their emotions, explore their desires for the future, and strengthen their emotional intimacy," says Chen. "It can also help address the impact of attachment styles on your relationship during this transition."
Fun Activities for Empty Nesters
Embracing this new phase of life can be an exciting adventure. Here are some ideas for empty nester couples:
Travel and explore new destinations
Take up a new hobby or revisit old passions
Enroll in cooking, dance, or language classes together
Volunteer for causes you care about
Host social gatherings and create new traditions
Redecorate or reorganize your living space
Plan regular date nights or weekend getaways
"The empty nest stage is a transition, not an ending," Chen emphasizes. "By being proactive, open-minded, and nurturing your relationship, couples can find deep fulfillment and joy in this chapter of life."
When to Seek Extra Support
While many couples embrace challenges with care and understanding, unaddressed issues can silently take their toll. Over time, unexpressed feelings left unheard, like resentment or blame, risks straining important bonds.
Please know you do not face any concerns alone. A safe, caring discussion space is available should you feel struggles intensifying where empathy and solutions could help. Together, through open yet thoughtful dialog, we can gain clarity on relationship patterns, rebuild trust through any triggers unveiled, and cultivate strength for all that lies ahead.
My role involves walking with you on your terms, at your pace. Whether exploring emotions surrounding this transition, reconnecting intimately, or creating goals reflecting what nourishes you both daily, your well-being and partnership hold importance. You will find acceptance and focus on understanding each other’s experiences, not hastily resolving but hearing fully without judgment.
Does an opportunity to share feelings freely and glean useful perspective through another’s perspective appeal? My commitment surrounds celebrating relationship work with patience and care. Together, through appreciation of one another’s humanity, life’s journeys truly become rich adventures to experience hand in hand.
Book your consultation with Lisa Chen today and embark on a journey of rediscovery, growth, and lasting fulfillment as an empty nester couple or contact us at lisachentherapy@gmail.com, 213-537-9672. Our office is located at 2615 Pacific Coast Highway, Suite 322, in Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.
Additional Resources:
National Institute on Aging: Coping with the Empty Nest
VeryWell Mind: Empty Nest Syndrome: How to Cope When the Kids Flee the Coop
Empty Nester Life, a Youtube Series following an Empty Nester Couple
