Feeling Worse After Couples Therapy? Here’s Why That Happens (And How to Move Forward)
Why Fighting in Therapy Isn’t the Problem—But What You Do Next Is
I see it all the time. A couple walks into therapy, frustrated and desperate for things to get better. They’ve been fighting—about money, intimacy, the division of household labor, or maybe something that seems small but feels massive.
They’re doing the right thing by coming to therapy. But once the session starts, something familiar happens.
They just bring the fight into the room.
They don’t pause, they don’t reflect, they don’t shift. They simply continue the argument—with me as their audience.
And by the end of the session? They often leave more upset, more entrenched, and more convinced that therapy isn’t helping. Some even start dreading therapy altogether, saying things like:
"We feel worse after every session."
"We fight even more when we leave."
"Maybe couples therapy isn’t working for us."
But here’s the truth: the fighting isn’t the problem. It’s actually the start.
Why Do Couples Bring Their Fights Into Therapy?
It makes sense why this happens. By the time couples enter therapy, they’ve often been stuck in the same painful cycle for years. They’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and feeling unheard.
Instead of therapy being a space to step back and work on their relationship, many couples default to using it as a new battleground—one where they hope to finally prove their point, be validated, or get their partner to “see the light.”
Defenses Are High
When people are in pain, they protect themselves. Maybe one partner starts blaming and criticizing, while the other withdraws and shuts down. These are defenses, and in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) and IFIO (Intimacy from the Inside Out) approach, we call these “protector parts.”
They show up automatically. They’re trying to keep the person safe—often from deeper wounds that therapy might be bringing to the surface.
This is why it’s so common for partners to feel like they’re just rehashing the same fights over and over, even in therapy. They haven’t yet shifted out of protection mode.
Resentments Take Over
Couples also use therapy as a place to unload all their past resentments. They assume therapy is where they finally get to air every frustration they’ve held in for years.
And while expressing resentment can be an important part of healing, it’s not the same as actually working on the relationship.
“Therapy is not just about unloading grievances. It’s about learning new ways to communicate, repair, and reconnect—and that requires moving beyond just venting.”
Why Some Fighting in Therapy is Actually a Good Thing
With all this said, I actually don’t see conflict in therapy as a bad thing.
In fact, when a couple fights in session, it gives me a real-time look at their dynamics—the tone, the triggers, the emotional patterns. I get to see exactly how they respond to stress and disconnection.
That’s valuable information. It means we can work on it.
If a couple sat in front of me and pretended everything was fine, I’d actually be more concerned. When there’s no fighting at all, it can sometimes mean a couple has emotionally disengaged—which is harder to repair than conflict.
So no, fighting isn’t the issue. But what matters is what you do next.
When Couples Therapy Feels Like It’s Making Things Worse
So why do some couples feel worse after therapy instead of better?
They leave the session without resolution. The argument doesn’t get repaired in therapy, and instead of using new tools, they just replay the same fight at home.
They expect the therapist to referee instead of help them shift. Therapy isn’t about deciding who’s right and who’s wrong—it’s about helping both partners show up differently.
They mistake conflict for failure. The goal isn’t to avoid all fights—it’s to learn how to fight in a way that brings them closer rather than farther apart.
How to Approach Couples Therapy for the Best Results
If you and your partner are starting couples therapy, here’s my advice:
1. Come Ready to Listen, Not Just to Prove a Point
Therapy isn’t about winning—it’s about understanding. Try to step out of the mindset of “who’s right” and focus on what’s happening underneath the conflict.
2. Recognize That Defenses Will Show Up—But Don’t Let Them Take Over
Your protective instincts will want to kick in. That’s normal. But growth comes from learning how to pause, notice them, and choose a different response.
3. See Therapy as a Learning Space, Not a Courtroom
Instead of just venting frustrations, be open to practicing new communication tools. This might mean slowing things down, identifying emotions instead of accusations, or even noticing body language and tone.
4. Focus on Repair, Not Just the Fight
Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how you reconnect afterward. A successful couples therapy session isn’t one where no one fights—it’s one where partners leave feeling heard and closer, even if the issue isn’t 100% resolved yet.
5. Commit to Doing the Work Outside of Sessions
Therapy can only do so much if couples don’t practice between sessions. The real change happens in daily interactions, where small moments of connection and repair build trust over time.
The Bottom Line: Couples Therapy is a Process, Not a Quick Fix
If you’ve ever left therapy feeling like things got worse before they got better, know this: that doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working.
The first few sessions might be messy. You might feel like the fights are still happening. That’s because change doesn’t happen overnight.
But if you and your partner commit to the process—if you learn to step back, recognize your defenses, and work toward repair—then therapy can absolutely transform your relationship.
Conflict isn’t the enemy. Staying stuck in it is.
And with the right approach, therapy can be the place where you learn to finally move forward—together.
Ready to Transform Your Relationship?
If you're ready to move beyond repetitive conflicts and start building deeper connection, Lisa Chen & Associates can help. Therapy isn’t just about revisiting old fights—it’s about learning new ways to communicate, repair, and grow together.
Schedule a consultation today to start making real progress in your relationship. Whether you're struggling with trust, communication, or emotional disconnect, we’re here to guide you.
Let’s work together to create the relationship you truly want. Are you ready?
