5 Steps to Gottman Active Listening [Tips from a Couples Therapist]

Couples often find themselves in heated arguments and struggle to truly listen to each other for a variety of reasons. Misunderstandings, unmet expectations, and unresolved issues can create tension and lead to conflicts. Amid a disagreement, emotions can run high, making it difficult for partners to listen attentively. Instead, they may become defensive, focusing more on being heard rather than understanding their partner's perspective. This cycle of arguing without truly listening can create a disconnect in communication and escalate conflicts further

In this article, we delve into the powerful tool of Gottman Reflective Listening and how it can transform your relationship. Lisa Chen, a highly experienced therapist in Hermosa Beach, shares her insights to help you nurture open communication, empathy, and understanding. This technique is critical, especially when addressing difficult, sensitive topics. The goal of reflective listening is not to “win” an argument, but to witness and respect your partner’s perspective.

What is Gottman Reflective Listening?

Gottman Reflective Listening is a research-backed technique developed by Dr. John Gottman to improve communication and foster deeper connections in relationships. In my experience, this tool has saved couples from the brink of divorce and rebuilt connections. It involves active listening and empathetically reflecting on your partner's thoughts and feelings.

Gottman's Reflective Listening technique offers a valuable solution to these challenges couples face during fights. This approach emphasizes the importance of providing undivided attention to one's partner, and actively listening without interruptions or distractions. By employing Gottman's method, couples can create a safe space for open dialogue where each partner feels heard and understood. Reflective listening encourages paraphrasing and reflecting on what the other person has said, ensuring clarity and validation of feelings. This approach fosters empathy and reduces defensiveness, paving the way for more productive and respectful conversations. When couples practice Gottman's Reflective Listening, they can navigate conflicts more effectively, strengthen their bond, and find resolutions that honor both partners' perspectives.

For example, when your partner expresses frustration about a long workday, you can respond with, "It sounds like you had a challenging day, and it made you feel drained and overwhelmed."

5 Steps to Gottman Reflective Listening

Step 1: Set the Stage for Open Communication

Find a quiet and comfortable space where you and your partner can engage in focused conversation without distractions. It is highly important to find a time and place, setting all distractions aside to focus on being there for your partner.

Step 2: Offer Your Undivided Attention

Maintain eye contact, show interest through attentive body language, and avoid interrupting or formulating responses while your partner is speaking. This demonstrates your commitment to active listening and understanding their perspective.

Step 3: Paraphrase and Reflect: “I hear you saying…”

Once your partner finishes expressing themselves, paraphrase and reflect on what you heard. For instance, if they discuss feeling unappreciated at work, you can respond with, "So, you're saying that you often feel undervalued by your colleagues, and it affects your self-esteem."

Step 4: Validate Emotions: “That makes sense.”

Acknowledge and validate your partner's emotions. Reflect on their emotional state, such as, "It seems like you're feeling disappointed and unappreciated, which can be really tough to handle."

Step 5: Seek Clarification: “Did I hear you correctly?”

If you need clarification on any aspect of what your partner shared, ask open-ended questions to gain a better understanding. For example, you might ask, "Could you help me understand what specifically made you feel unappreciated in that situation?"

One of the most powerful tools for deepening intimacy and understanding in a relationship is reflective listening. When we truly listen to our partner - not just the words they say but the underlying feelings and needs behind those words - it helps calm their nervous system and creates a felt sense of being heard and valued. I often suggest reflective listening during heated exchanges, when one or both partners are feeling reactive or flooded with emotion. It's a way to hit the pause button, connect back to yourselves and each other, and move into a headspace of openness rather than defensiveness. To practice it, simply reflect back the core message you're hearing from your partner: "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated because your needs aren't being met." Doing so helps dispel misunderstandings, diffuses conflict, and reminds you that you're on the same team. With consistent practice, reflective listening strengthens the bonds of trust, respect and care that are so vital for long-term love.